I need someone to look over this please...
here is the prompt

You and nine peers have been selected to apply for an important college scholarship. Only one student will be awarded the scholarship. You have been asked to write a brief essay to the scholarship committee in which you share an important event in your life that significantly changed you, your view about life, your life goals, or your character for the better. Apply narrative techniques, a solid prewriting strategy, and creative sentence patterns to share your story and stand apart from other applicants.

here is my answer:
One event that has changed my life would probably have to be when I had something drastic happen to me. Of course, I was a child, and I don't remember any of it. It was when I was taken away from my biological mom and dad. I of course don't know the full story. But if I was still with them then I'd probably be living an immoral life right now. It changed me because I've been able to achieve things that I wouldn't be able to do if I was in a drug infested household. I have been able to achieve a proper education and I have been able to have things that I enjoy., I have heard that my biological mom doesn't have enough money, so I am grateful to have been put into a household that is financially stable. I don’t know where I would be if CYFD (children youth and family department) didn’t take me away. Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I would be. Maybe a drug addict, or possibly something else. I am just thankful to have been adopted into a positive filled household.

is this ok?